Friendshipping

Okay, so today I had a long little spell thinking about my friends. I got a little sad at the prospect of how long it's been since I've had the 100% notion of a "best friend". I mean, I've got really good friends, don't get me wrong. I guess for years, even before Reuben, I've always let my boyfriend take over the whole "best friend" spot. More than likely it's my fault. Sometimes, I don't think I'm a great friend. I'm not the best at keeping in touch, and I also have this heart-on-the-sleeve issue that bugs people, I'm sure.

If anyone actually reads this thing (I'm pretty sure no, at this point), then I'm pretty sure they know that I lost, or gave up rather, my last "best friend". Even though towards the end we really lost most of our commonalities and he/I turned into a much different person, I still miss the friendship that we had. Even him as a bad friend sometimes was better than not having him around. I guess you can only help someone to a certain point (i.e. The Giving Tree), but sometimes that whole mother bird complex I have tends to kick into overdrive. Bah.

So, there is one person at this point that I would consider my best friend, but oftentimes I think this person gets pretty tired of me, which makes me reluctant to keep said friend on the phone sometimes when I need to rant, etc. Sometimes I also think it's hard for me to have this type of best friend, you know, the kind with few problems. I'm so used to being the advice giver and the one who bails my friends out of trouble that I kind of don't know my role in a friendship with someone "normal" and virtually problem free.

I've got other friends, many of which I really don't know how to read. Sometimes I think that some of these people are much more important to me than I am to them, which again, makes me reluctant to call them. Maybe, more than anything, I have self awareness issues that need to be adressed.

Then there are the friends that have moved away, and those are probably the hardest for me to handle. Sometimes a far away phone call, text message, etc. feels good, but sometimes I feel like I need to be in their living room having a long talk and a glass of wine.

There are also the endless seas of friends that I have meant to be closer to, but dropped the ball in the end. I think my basic issue is that, because of early, life-forming friendships, (If you know me, you know the ones) I'm really very used to keep people at arms' length to keep them from hurting me. Those that do get in arms reach, however, I tend to depend on too much or over analyze or give too much advice to.

Is it just me, or were things much, much easier at a younger age, before boyfriends, cell phones, internet contact and mindless into the web oblivion blog posts were all the rage.

All of these things, when sliced, combined together, and boiled for 30 minutes in a large saucepan tend to really make me want to leave this town. New friendships, dramas, problems, etc.

As a last note, don't get me wrong. I love my friends more than anything. Each one is perfect just as they are, and each one really adds something irreplaceable to my life. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with my surroundings, even when the weather is LA perfect.